And Now, a Public Service Announcement From a Man Who Has Been There

The following is a public service announcement…

There’s nothing funny about a woman pumped full of hormones, or “Stim” as they are called. While Stim attacks are rare in the wild, they do occur, so I feel it’s important to share some safety tips that will minimize the risk and just may save your life.

When encountering a Stim outside of their natural habitat, it’s important to try and remain calm and avoid sudden movements. Don’t make direct eye contact. It may be perceived as a threat. If you hear a low growl or hissing sound, back away quickly but don’t turn your back. You’re not dealing with a mountain lion, so don’t try and make yourself look bigger. In fact, do just the opposite and shrink yourself down…there’s a chance she’ll show mercy in your weakened state. If you’ve decided to actually converse with a Stim, keep the topics as innocuous as possible. Never bring up anything that might trigger a Stim attack. Since studies show that virtually any topic can bring on a Stim attack (see: tarp, weed), it’s probably best just to exchange pleasantries and move on. Remember, Stim’s can smell fear. If a Stim bears their teeth, you’ve said something inconceivably stupid and it’s time to leave. Don’t bother trying to get your coat or anything else you may have arrived with it’s just not worth it and those items are replaceable.

If you have decided to venture into the Stim’s habitat, God help you, but here are some more safety tips. First, make mental notes of all possible escape routes in case of a Stim attack. If you can, invite someone older and/or slower than you to accompany you into Stim Country; that way, if there is an attack, they may provide you with the extra precious seconds you need to escape.

Understand the kill zone of a Stim. This is the circumference of her reach. If in your infinite wisdom you feel that this is the exact moment that you should share your opinion on what young actress is very attractive, realize where you are standing in relation to the Stim. Too close and you will easily lose an eye before you have even finished your ill-timed (and most assuredly wrong) opinion.

Speaking of opinions, it’s important to remember that you don’t have any opinions when speaking with a Stim. They might inquire as to your opinion, but it is a ruse and they are essentially playing dead in order to set you up for an attack. This might mean that at some point you will find yourself watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (a singing version no less) but understand one thing: estrogen…beats…testosterone.

Finally, don’t try and be a hero; Tom Hanks isn’t building a monument in D.C. for men struck down by Stim attacks.

Thank you for your time.   

Signed, 

A Concerned Citizen

and also Local Dignitary