And Now, a Public Service Announcement From a Man Who Has Been There

The following is a public service announcement…

There’s nothing funny about a woman pumped full of hormones, or “Stim” as they are called. While Stim attacks are rare in the wild, they do occur, so I feel it’s important to share some safety tips that will minimize the risk and just may save your life.

When encountering a Stim outside of their natural habitat, it’s important to try and remain calm and avoid sudden movements. Don’t make direct eye contact. It may be perceived as a threat. If you hear a low growl or hissing sound, back away quickly but don’t turn your back. You’re not dealing with a mountain lion, so don’t try and make yourself look bigger. In fact, do just the opposite and shrink yourself down…there’s a chance she’ll show mercy in your weakened state. If you’ve decided to actually converse with a Stim, keep the topics as innocuous as possible. Never bring up anything that might trigger a Stim attack. Since studies show that virtually any topic can bring on a Stim attack (see: tarp, weed), it’s probably best just to exchange pleasantries and move on. Remember, Stim’s can smell fear. If a Stim bears their teeth, you’ve said something inconceivably stupid and it’s time to leave. Don’t bother trying to get your coat or anything else you may have arrived with it’s just not worth it and those items are replaceable.

If you have decided to venture into the Stim’s habitat, God help you, but here are some more safety tips. First, make mental notes of all possible escape routes in case of a Stim attack. If you can, invite someone older and/or slower than you to accompany you into Stim Country; that way, if there is an attack, they may provide you with the extra precious seconds you need to escape.

Understand the kill zone of a Stim. This is the circumference of her reach. If in your infinite wisdom you feel that this is the exact moment that you should share your opinion on what young actress is very attractive, realize where you are standing in relation to the Stim. Too close and you will easily lose an eye before you have even finished your ill-timed (and most assuredly wrong) opinion.

Speaking of opinions, it’s important to remember that you don’t have any opinions when speaking with a Stim. They might inquire as to your opinion, but it is a ruse and they are essentially playing dead in order to set you up for an attack. This might mean that at some point you will find yourself watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (a singing version no less) but understand one thing: estrogen…beats…testosterone.

Finally, don’t try and be a hero; Tom Hanks isn’t building a monument in D.C. for men struck down by Stim attacks.

Thank you for your time.   

Signed, 

A Concerned Citizen

and also Local Dignitary

How To Get Email Updates

Hello again!  A few friends and family have been wondering how to get email updates that I have written a new post.  I did a little research and added the application you see to the right.  Just enter your email address into that and you're good to go!

Just Look at the Picture, You'll Get the Point

Stimulation Meds Day 8

The picture says it all folks.  I just hope the good people at Google Images either 1) don't catch up to me for my blatant and unapologetic unauthorized use of their photos or 2) are merciful when they do. 

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I was excited about staking out the boundary for our new chain link dog yard, a much needed expansion of play area for my fur babies.  Their current fencing situation is about 12' x 12'. Those of you who are dog owners know, that is woefully undersized for a growing lab puppy and his two schnauzer sidekicks.  John and I went to Lowe's, which is to me as Nordstrom's is to most women.  We got some supplies and materials for some great weekend projects.  Generally, I live for home improvement and gardening projects during the spring and summer.  Unfortunately, when we got home I was faced with the task of staking out the boundaries of the fence.  This may seem simple but it is not...I did it last summer and by the time exact measurements were taken and angles perfected, four hours had passed me by.  Consequently, faced with a project that was going to involve a lot of measuring and a lot of math I began to feel quite overwhelmed.  This isn't surprising when you consider the following data:

The average estrogen level in women is generally below 30.  On day 4 of my stimulants, it was 159.  Yesterday, day 7 of "stimming", it was 790.  These numbers thrill my doctors and indicate that we are right where we need to be, but they make me feel like a big grumpypants, to put it delicately. That much estrogen makes me feel like every hair on my head is standing on end.  I can't get comfortable laying down, sitting up, or even stretching.  I guess it's good practice for actually being pregnant, no?

Good news though!  Due to my feeling absolutely miserable, I was able to parlay my pitifulness into getting John to agree to watch "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with me tonight.  He even attempted a half smile after he managed to get his mouth open to utter the words, "Yes dear," through clenched teeth.  It's all about the small victories.  I have to get three injections a day into my tummy and he has to watch one measly chick flick.  He's a smart man, my John.  He's no pushover but he knows how to pick his battles. 

More good news!  Tomorrow morning we have ultrasound number 80 billion and one with our doc up at OHSU, and he indicated on Friday that we are nearing the end of stimulants, and will be moving on to the trigger shot soon.  The trigger shot is basically the hormones that tell a woman it is time to ovulate. The egg retrieval will take place exactly 36 hours after the trigger shot, and three days after that is the embryo transfer!  This is an extremely exciting and nerve wracking time for us, and my joy at our progress helps keep my crazy leveled out.  It's all about perspective, people.

The last time I was this excited and nervous were the days leading up to my wedding.  Heck, that's worked out pretty good so far.  I'm confident this will too!

If you are a praying person, please pray hard!  If not, send your good thoughts and positive vibes our way. I believe in the power of all three.

Will update soon about tomorrow's appointment.  Everything will go extremely fast from here on out....glad you're with us to share the journey.

All I Want For My Birthday is to Be Knocked-Up

Here I am on stimulation meds day 4: sleepyhead

Could it be that these excessive amounts of hormones are making me a better person?  Several people have stopped me this week to report that I am "glowing."  What a hoot...I'm definitely not glowing!  The side effects seem to be extreme exhaustion and feeling a little bit more spacey than my usual level of spaciness.  However, notably missing are increased irritability, edginess, and the urge to kill.  Do you know what this means?  I finally caught a break! Health-wise, I've been due for one for about 32 years.

Monday, against all odds,  I came in to work bright eyed and bushy-tailed.  I couldn't help but laugh as my incredibly caring team poked their heads in one by one, surveying the scene for safety and then cautiously asking, "How's it goin'?" I have been blessed above and beyond to get to work with four amazing people: Dan, Drew, Judy, and Meri.  I warned them last week that I could come in this Monday as an unrecognizable whirling dervish of a crazy woman who looked like someone they used to know.  I spent a lot of time issuing preemptive apologies for my inevitably irrational behavior.  No one is more surprised than me that besides serious fatigue and a higher pain level than normal, I'm doing okay.  

I went up to OHSU this morning for my eighty-billionth ultrasound, and happily it was good news!  The past two visits were a little disappointing, with the process having to be delayed while we waited for my body to catch up.  Today we could see 14 little follicles (the eggs are inside) developing and the doctor was very pleased.  My blood test revealed that all my numbers are right where they need to be and we are on track. Yay!  At the least I have four more days of shots and at the most ten. I'm really hoping that the hormones don't have a cumulative effect; for example, what if I feel good now on day four, but by day eight it becomes a Bob/Leland situation and all they can find of my husband is his golfing glove?

Note: If you were born after 1982 it is unlikely you will understand the Bob/Leland reference.

On a rare tender note, it was very special today to have my mom come to the ultrasound with me today and get to see what I have been attempting to describe up on the screen.  IVF is a pretty amazing process, miraculous really, and it helps to have a visual to go with the verbal depictions!  I can only imagine what it will look like when I actually get to see a baby on the monitor! (Or two babies...there is a 15% chance of twins with IVF).

Speaking of being dog-tired, it's time for my nap.

Don't Talk To Me About Weed Tarp

This is me on Stimulatory Meds Day 1

YouTube is great for so many things!  This evening, as both John and I began to panic about not knowing what vial to mix into what solution in what amount and with what needle, I simply typed "menopur" into the YouTube search and found exactly how to do it.  It was kind of awesome.  I do want to go on record however, stating that I think they are giving the average citizen way too much credit for being able to figure this stuff out.  For example, here are the steps to my morning shot:
1. Load medicine into pen
2. Turn dial to 125 ml
3. Stick in my tummy and quickly push the syringe
4. No problem

John was a rock star at giving this shot!  I didn't even feel it. In fact, I have already informed him that instead of getting up on another weekend morning at 6:30 AM for a shot, he can prepare it and bring it into my nice warm bed.  And there is your answer if you ever wondered just how lazy I could get.

But then came the evening shot, and this is the one where I think the doctors overestimated our collective intelligence.  Fortunately, thanks to the afore mentioned YouTube video, we feel we were successful at conquering this particular mission:

1. Flip caps off off two vials of powder and one vial of solution
2. Using a thick gauged needle draw up 1 cc of solution
3. Inject into powder vial and mix
4. Draw up ALL the mixed solution
5. Inject into second powder vial and mix
6. Screw off giant scary needle and screw on smaller less scary needle
7. Inject into my tummy

So far the side effects haven't been too ridiculous.  Unless you count the weed tarp conversation:

John: "So, sweetie, I was talking to JJ and he says that weed tarp is completely useless. He said--"
Me: "What?  What are you saying about weed tarp?  I ALREADY TOLD YOU, we had it all around the other house and it was awesome!"
John: "Sweetie, I was constantly weeding out there.  I didn't work."
Me: (Sputtering) "What, what now?  It was fantastic!  There were no weeds.  Look, I can't talk to you about this anymore.  I can't believe you're even saying this." (Exit room).

We have yet to finish the conversation about the weed tarp, but it is one of those hot button issues that we can't just let slide by.

I have also observed that John has began to hold full conversations with our Lab, Charlie.  For example, tonight when I became agitated about deciding what to have for dinner, and my voice hit that pitch that only dogs and small children can hear, I noticed that John had stopped paying attention to me at all.  He was talking to the dog.

John: "Now settle down Charlie!  You'll get your dinner.  You really need to calm down buddy, all this agitation isn't good for you."
Charlie: What is daddy talking about?  I'm just sitting here patiently at his feet with my snout in his lap like I always do.
John: "That's it boy, just take it easy."
Charlie: Take it easy?  If I was taking it any easier I wouldn't be breathing.

They were both looking at me from the corners of their eyes.  They think they're so clever.

John has asked if he could be my guest blogger and write a post about how great I am.  Of course I said yes.  Wherever John goes, hilarity ensues, so stay tuned.