Beware the Ides of March

Many friends and family members are fascinated by this procedure called in vitro fertilisation (sometimes spelled with a z, but that is incorrect).  I see why...it's pretty freaking awesome when you think about it.  Those of you who know me well are aware that I research the lifeblood out of any topic that strikes my fancy.  This happens a lot.  In fact, I have a short term plan to be an expert on everything by 2017.  I am halfway there.

Clearly, IVF is a topic I have researched thoroughly.  Since I am not a doctor the explanation that follows will be rudimentary at best, so don't get your hopes up.   Also, if you don't like reading about sperm, it's probably best to stop here.

I will try to be as eloquent as possible.  Once we begin the cycle, I take two weeks worth of drugs to get all the little eggs gathered in their ovary homes.  This is a time of calm and no physical or emotional trauma.  Then, in the Third Week, which will henceforth be capitalized for emphasis, the docs go full throttle with high doses of hormones and stimulants, growing ALL the eggs rapidly and painfully.  If you need to reach me during Third Week, I suggest searching your local bell towers and post offices.  If you are forced to enter into my presence during that time, due to employment, family, or marriage, don't say you weren't given fair warning.  Or as my acupuncturist gently put it: "The Third Week will probably be a very emotional time due to the high level of hormones.  So don't plan any trips, or important meetings, or have out of town family visit...uh, don't visit them either.  Just, um, try not to come into contact with, um, anyone.  And maybe don't leave the house."

The guy has known me six years.  He knows me well.  I'm intense on my best days.  I can only imagine the visual portrait he was conjuring of me all jacked up on the juice, most likely chained to a pipe in the basement for the safety of myself and others.

Now back to the IVF.  So now I'm just chillin' with what, 20 fully grown ripened eggs weighing me down?  That brings us to the next step: The Retrieval.  It's not pleasant--it involves going in there after them with a fairly significantly sized needle.  It sounds terrible, but it won't FEEL terrible, because during this blessed event I will be at least four sheets to the wind in my state of "wakeful anesthesia."  That's where you aren't completely under but they've got you on too many drugs to care. 

Here is the really cool part: they put each of the eggs in their own little petri dishes and directly insert one carefully selected sperm into each egg. (I'll spare you the details of the sperm retrieval).  The ones that take are the resulting embryos and a couple days later they put them back in.  Well, not all of them.  I'm not looking to birth a litter here.  Finally, they cryogenically freeze the remaining embryos and you use them when you're ready for more.  :-)

It's a strange reality, but it's our reality.  I'm okay with the fact that our children will be conceived in a petri dish.  I had better be okay with it...it's one hell of an expensive petri dish.